Friday Fragments 8: torn between two titles

I couldn’t decide whether to call this post “Eight is Enough” or “To Infinity* and Beyond!” That’s because I can’t decide whether or not to stick with the Friday Fragments format.

So, I’m not deciding. Ha! Either this will be the last Friday Fragments post, or it won’t. Time will tell.

***

I’m singing in two choral concerts this weekend. We’re doing the Beethoven Mass in C Major, which is an under-recognized little jewel of a piece. It’s tiring to perform, though. I left dress rehearsal last night feeling utterly drained and desperately thirsty.

Oh, but what a glorious performance space for this particular piece of music! It’s the kind of cathedral where the sound just echoes, and Beethoven put plenty of dramatic, climactic pauses in the Mass, where everything stops but the sound just keeps ringing. Magical.

It means a lot to me, getting to do this kind of work. Choral singing is very special, and singing with an orchestra is like riding a dragon. I try my best not to take any of it for granted, to savor every moment.

***

I had a Secret Sabbatical last week. It was a very sudden thunderbolt of an inspiration: I used the week leading up to Samhain as an opportunity to reflect on different facets of my life. Each day, I focused on one of my major life roles, asking myself these questions:

–What qualities are associated with this role?
–Is this my role forever?
–What do I look like in this role?
–By the time I am 50, how would I like this role to be for me?
–What is working for me in this role?
–How would I like this role to change?

It was really a wonderful week, filled with insights and inspirations, just as I had hoped it would be. I really had the feeling of coming home to myself.

Yet now I’ve had a couple of hard days, and today I find myself in a downward spiral. My inner demons are taunting me, telling me that the renewal I felt a few days ago was just a tease, a might-have-been, a nevermore. “Yes, that’s who you used to be, and wasn’t she wonderful? but you can’t be that person anymore. Your life is a tangled mess, and you’re lost forever!”

Deep down, I know that can’t be true. In the moment, though, it feels true.

I’m torn between two truths, I guess, as well as two titles.

Stay tuned. One thing I know for certain is that things are going to change.

(*You know, because when you turn an 8 sideways, it’s a symbol meaning infinity…)

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