So, part of the point of this “Friday Fragments” structure is that (a) I don’t have to have any notion of what I’m going to say until I start saying it, and (b) I can jump from thought to thought without necessarily resolving anything. We’re clear on that? Good.
To dream the possible dream…
When I’m under stress, I often find myself daydreaming about alternate lives, lives that would somehow be simpler and in which I’d be more at peace. In these visions, I generally have a lot less stuff — less physical clutter, less mental clutter, less emotional clutter. There are so many versions of this fantasy: there’s Kat traveling around the country in her Airstream, Kat living in a cottage by the sea, Kat living in a major coastal city with no need to own a car, Kat living off the grid in a mountain cabin, even Kat living in a retirement community with gentle support from kind-hearted professionals…
None of this stuff is likely to become a reality any time soon. Deep down, if I’m honest, I don’t even want any of this stuff to become a reality any time soon.
I just want a better life. No. Wait. I don’t. I just want my life to be better. That is not the same thing at all.
I love my two partners, and I love my daughter, and I love the family that the four of us have created. I love our home — I’d like it to be more finished and better maintained, but it has lovely bones. I love my mind, my body, my spirit. I love my creative passions. I love — this may sound insipid, but I’m going to say it anyway, because in my head it has significance — I love the things I love.
Honestly, I just want to clear out the crap. And while it’s very easy and very soothing to imagine that if only my life were completely different, there wouldn’t be any crap, I suspect it may be a lot more useful for me to start dreaming of how I can make this life better.
And one impossible-seeming wish…
I would love it if I could somehow arrange to be home to greet my daughter when she comes home from school. If I could do my out-of-house work during her school hours — or even if I had to go back out for a brief appointment in the late afternoon or early evening, that wouldn’t be so bad, but I want that daily re-connection.
And it’s so hard to imagine any realistic way to make that happen right now.
But hey, it’s been a pretty good week!
The weather’s been nice, I’ve had a number of pleasant outings, and I am slowly and steadily climbing out of my ruts. Spring is in the air.
So, how’s the weather — external or internal — where you are?