Candide and capacity

I sing with a town-and-gown choral ensemble at a local university. I love it. It’s one of the things that keeps me sane.

Last week, I found out that the same university will be staging a production of Candide. They’re holding auditions tonight and tomorrow night. Unlike many of their operas, this one requires so many cast and chorus members that they’re opening auditions not only to the music majors, but to the entire university community — students in other departments, faculty, staff, and community members.

I would love to be a part of this. And I probably can’t — because of the damned doctorate. Because I’m writing my dissertation this year, and it’s hard enough finding time for that as it is, between working and parenting and doing my share to keep the household running smoothly.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I can’t help it. It’s all well and good to say “Oh, there’ll be other opportunities.” When?

I’m even stealing time to write this blog post, grabbing a few quick minutes at my work site. Why? Because when I get home tonight, my caring and concerned partners will be looking over my shoulder, and (I fear — maybe not, but I fear so) questioning anything I do at my computer that isn’t directly connected to my dissertation proposal. Blogging? Twittering? Why? How much of a time suck am I allowing?

Time sucks. Yeah. That about sums it up.

Sorry. I seem to have lost perspective for the moment. I’ll probably make my peace with this eventually. For now, though, I seem to want to be angry. Somehow, it feels like the least I can do.

2 responses to “Candide and capacity

  1. Just saw on Havi’s VPAs post that you’re going for it after all!

    The funny thing is, when you first mentioned the Candide opportunity/predicament, I had a really strong wish to say something like “if it was me I’d do it anyway, is there no way…?” and then I said to myself “steady on there, Havi’s ground rules are no unsolicited advice, and what’s right for spiralsongkat might not be the same thing as what’s right for me”.

    but now you’re going in that direction anyway, I feel more free to say “If that was me, jumping in would totally be the right decision”. Because what I’ve found is: if there’s something that’s I’ve got all enthusiastic about, but then I squash it down in favour of the things I ought to do, then quite often all that happens is my energy in general gets all stuck and I end up not doing either thing! It doesn’t even feel like resentment, it just feels like a sort of mopey stuckness. Whereas on the other hand it’s like the energy of Doing The Cool Thing gets me going & then I’m more likely to do the more drudgey less inspiring thing. It’s like accomplishing one cool thing makes everything else seem naturally more possible.

    so, hoping it works that way for you too 🙂

  2. Thanks, Jennifer! Yes, what you’re saying here rings true for me as well. That could be the title of a novel or a movie: The Energy of Doing The Cool Thing!

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