Blogging in the dark

Up to now, I have been patient with this blushing bride of a blog. Trouble is, I want to use it, to play with it, far more often than I have been thus far. So, it’s time to ease out of this shy and courtly phase, and get a little juice flowing — sweat, tears, whatever I’ve got.

Have I been waiting for life to get a bit more…picturesque? Well, that won’t do at all, because if I wait that long, we’ll all be able to trace patterns in the virtual dust.

Right here, right now, I am blogging in the dark. That means I don’t really know what I’m writing about at the moment, but am allowing myself to write anyway. It means that I don’t completely know what’s around the next bend in my life, but I’m writing anyway. I’m beginning here, now, right where I am.

Where I am is at my desk. One of my partners is napping, the other is not yet home from work. My daughter is watching cartoons.

It’s been a pretty good day so far, despite some undercurrents of anxiety.

I’ve been feeling myself to be very much in transition these days. Changes are coming, and I’m excited about them — impatient, really. By this time next month, I’ll have exchanged eight small music therapy contracts for one big one. For twenty-four hours every week, I’ll be working at a nursing home where many of the residents have extensive psychiatric histories. I’ve been getting oriented to the facility this week, meeting people and soaking up the flow of the daily routines. Did I mention that I’m very excited? Everything I’ve seen so far confirms my belief that I have a great deal to offer here.

So, beginning in mid-December, I’ll be at that nursing home three days a week. The remaining two days — oh, they hold so many possibilities, so many seeds of hope! Aside from a weekly gig teaching Music Together classes at a local Montessori school, and a weekly session with one private client, the time is mine — to fill with creative projects of my choosing — or to give, whole hog, to the (real and imagined) needs of my family — or to fritter away, hour by hour, in fear-fueled procrastination and avoidance.

Ay, there’s the rub. Here comes the fear.

Yes, I’m blogging in the dark tonight…but also, somewhere in the darkness, I am lighting my candle, and asking for guidance.